Wow..I definitely haven't done this in awhile. I was sitting on Facebook just totally dead and having a million trillion things on my mind knowing that I needed to get all my thoughts out before my head just split open. I can't just call some one, and I don't want to put it out there on facebook or myspace, so why not xanga? It's still pretty public, but less used and I think the last time anyone checked my weblog was....a year ago? I'm not even sure what I want to write on this. I keep thinking of all these theories over and over in my head of what was going through my head and what was going through yours. I sometimes imagine that maybe if I could just pinpoint what's wrong, I could walk up to you and point my finger at you and finally have a legit reason to feel anything. I want to go through each and every single moment over and over and cross examine every word, every action, and every expression on your face. I want to call up all my friends and talk about how much I don't understand how restless I feel, or why this even has me messed up to begin with. But what can I say at this point that hasn't been said? I feel like a broken record spouting off the same things over and over. It's stupid and I'm tired of hearing myself whine. I'm not stupid, I know the rules. You get up, you move on. Nothing fazes you, and if it does.. you never let it show. The truth is I'm not even mad. I don't even like you anymore. I realized you weren't what I thought you were. I'm not even hurt that it didn't work out cuz I didn't expect it to, and I honestly didn't think we looked good together.And I understand that we had two different goals, I want something permanent and you wanted something now...I understand that you're a guy, and I've had guy friends. I can't honestly say I thought you were genuine, cuz if I thought you were genuine I would have let my guard down and I would have opened up to you. The truth was I never let you in, I could tell something was dishonest about your intentions and I kept my guard up the whole time. What kills me, is how much you were able to get to know me and my thoughts just by my voice without me having to say a word. How can some one know you so well with out you telling them? Everything you ever said about me was true. But maybe that's just me wanting to believe you cared..because in my mind...I don't see how anyone could be so observant over some one they didn't care about?. I want to believe that you noticed all the little things because you were fazed by me just as much as I was fazed by you. I'm messed up because I keep thinking that something that messed me up so bad, was all just in my mind. I made up the whole thing. I thought you understood me without me having to say a thing, I wanted to believe every compliment you said because they were so different from anything I've ever heard. And everything I felt? I feel like none of it was real...The first time I ever really got fazed, was over a lie. I just want to have never felt the way I did because just the taste of it was a drug rush you know? That whole butterflies in your stomach, waiting by the phone, smiling randomly just from the thought of the person, hearing a stupid line from them and still having your heart do flips. I remember when we had stopped talking for the last time and I felt hella' strong. This time I didn't cry. You were the last one to say something and I didn't answer. I was the one who didn't need you. Then another guy put his arm around me cuz we're friends and the first thought in my head was that he didn't smell as good as you did. That thought freaked me out. It was like a ninja star to my heart out of no where. He wasn't you and it killed me. And on the other side of the spectrum...I honestly don't want you. I don't understand what the hell is going through my mind. I don't want you...and I don't want anyone who isn't you? I don't get me. I met another guy...who I thought I liked...but three seconds I was over him...not even fazed by him, just thankful for being able to forget about you for a quick second. I honestly can't even see what I liked in the guy to begin with..other than the fact he filled up the phone time that was left vacant when I stopped talking to you. See all that whining I said that I was tired of? I just did it all. I'm not even gonna' finish because it's just annoying. I'm honestly gonna' look back at this post every time I feel that need to whine and just look at how stupid I sound. This post will be a reminder "Hey stop being an idiot" because it's really pathetic and not flattering. From this moment I'm getting off of my fat ass and I'm stopping this whole "OMG I'M SO HURT" shiz cuz it's old and it's ridiculous. You never let them see you sweat, and Lord knows I've been acting like a fool lately. I'm over this. I'm over myself, and I'm over you.
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